Mesa Verde, CO
At Mesa Verde, Co.

Freedom From Performance

    I grew up on a farm and have a sister 9 years younger than myself. When she was born prematurely at 3 lb and 6 oz she became the center of attention for the family. When I was in high school, I became interested in art and did well. I enjoyed working on the farm and dad would have had me do farming and make a living farming, but I was not interested in that as an occupation. When my parents insisted on having me attend college, I wanted to study art, but my dad said that I would not be able to make any money in San Angelo in art. Therefore, my dad insisted that I take business courses instead of art. I did take some electives in psychology and sociology and became quite interested in these.

    I went to talk was a pastor-friend who had minored in psychology. I asked him, “What is this psychology all about?” He said, “Would you like to read a good book on psychology?” I said, “I guess so” not knowing what book he was going to recommend. To my surprise, he mentioned the book of Proverbs in the Bible. I went home that week to read the book of Proverbs. The book spoke about wisdom that came from God and about being a wise man. There was one portion of one verse that got my attention. “The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise”  (Proverbs 11:30). How could I win souls? The only answer that I could come to was to become a minister myself. My Dad was an ordained minister, but had various problems in ministry. However, I did not want to battle with the problems that my dad had. That next Sunday night at church, when the pastor opened the service for commitments, I felt that God spoke to me to go forward to meet the pastor and tell him that God was calling me into becoming a minister. However, my response to God was, “I can’t, but if you want it to happen, you will have to make it happen.” Suddenly, I had the faith to go forward and tell my pastor. He received me and encouraged me. My good friend thought that I had lost my mind. I excitedly went home to share with my parents thinking that they would be glad, but dad became angry at me, because it changed his plans and he was paying my college expenses and I had not consulted with him first.  I insisted that I felt that I had heard from God and felt that I needed to obey.

    My dad said, “Well, if this is what you are going to do, then this is what you needed to do. You need to drop out of local state college and go to the Hardin-Simmons University.” It is  a Christian school about 90 miles away. My dad told me that I should major in Bible and minor in something like sociology and get my BA there. He said that I was to build up myself physically. He also said that I should also to go to Seminary and get a degree in theology and all this would prepare me for ministry. I also visited with my pastor and he told me basically the same thing. Therefore, I set out to do all that I was told to do. My grades were not real good, but I got my degrees and became a pastor of a small country church in northeast Texas.

    The church grew rapidly and everything seemed to be going good. Then everything fell apart. In my ignorance, did some things wrong and the church did some things wrong. I had worked out on weights and was fairly strong, but I became ill and got to the place where I could not think straight enough to prepare messages for the church. I loss about 20 lbs of muscle and had cramps in my stomach. I felt like a failure and resigned the church thinking that I would get out of the pressure of being the pastor, get beyond the physical problems, and would later get back on my feet and become a pastor again.

    I moved my family back to Fort Worth Texas where I had been in seminary. My wife got her nursing job back and I got my job back selling men’s clothes. However, instead of things getting better, things became much worse. I got to the place where I couldn’t work at all. That was humiliating for me to have to depend upon my wife solely for our income. I tried everything that I knew to fix my health problem. I tried diets and various exercises, but they did not help. I went to my physician, but he didn’t have any answers. I went to the Scott and White medical hospital, but they didn’t have any answers. I went to my pastor and also to a faith healer’s prayer line, but nothing worked.

    My dad joined a Christian ministry cassette tape sharing organization and sent a number to tapes to me. It was an encouragement and I learned from some well known ministers, but it didn’t solve my problems. Once, my parents wanted to take me on a trip to Colorado to see if that would help. They knew that I liked the mountains from other trips. I left my wife and kids in Forth Worth to go with my parents in Colorado for a couple of weeks. One place we visited was Mesa Verde Colorado where there are mountains, canyons, and ancient cliff dwellings. We stopped at an overlook of a canyon with maybe a five hundred foot or more drop off. As my dad and I stood on the edge of the canyon, I was very strongly drawn and seriously considered to take a running leap into the canyon. The above photo may have been near where I was tempted to jump. It is a terrible experience to feel like being a failure and in physical pain and no one seemed to be able relate or give any answers. It was only by God’s grace that I did not jump.

    I returned home to my family, but with no answers. Although my wife was a RN, she couldn’t relate to what I was experiencing.  On one occasion, I became so frustrated with everything that I took my fist and dented the cover a wall furnace in the rent house where we were staying. Later, I had to take the cover off and use a hammer to straighten the dent out. On another occasion, I became so frustrated that I took our Sunday’s thick newspaper and shredded it with my hands. No matter, what I tried to do, nothing worked! Finally, one day, some time later, I came to the END of my rope. I told God, “I am throwing in the towel.” I actually think that I slung a towel across the room. I said to God, “I can not be what I believe that you want me to be and what I want to be. I can not be the proper, husband, father, breadwinner, or minister.” I had tried it, but it didn’t work. I believe that God responded, “Good.” My next words to God were, “If anything is going to be done in my life, you will have to do it.” Again, I think that God said, “Good.”  That day, the monkey got off my back. I no longer had to PERFORM!
This meant that I would begin to earnestly seek God and look to see what He was doing and be willing to get in on it.

    This was a major turning point for my life!!! It was and remains a freeing experience for me from a performance oriented mentality and the extreme pressure, guilt, and condemnation that goes along with a performance perspective. The Holy Spirit, in a greater sense, became my teacher and led me to see and learn many things that I was not taught in church, in seminary, and beyond. It was not just a one time experience, but rather continued to occur over the years that have followed. This is a journey that I am still on. I have have strayed off the road at times, but this revelation of truth is something that I can return to and see God work in and through my life.

Some Supportive Scriptures:

Moses was trying to do everything himself. "And Moses' father in law said unto him, The thing that thou doest is not good.  Thou wilt surely wear away, both thou, and this people that is with thee: for this thing is too heavy for thee; thou art not able to perform it thyself alone.  Hearken now unto my voice, I will give thee counsel, and God shall be with thee: Be thou for the people to God-ward, that thou mayest bring the causes unto God:  And thou shalt teach them ordinances and laws, and shalt shew them the way wherein they must walk, and the work that they must do"  (Exodus 18:17-20).

Martha had a performance orientation. "And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:  But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her"  (Luke 10:42).

Epaphroditus almost died trying to do too much ministry himself. "Yet I supposed it necessary to send to you Epaphroditus, my brother, and companion in labour, and fellowsoldier, but your messenger, and he that ministered to my wants.  For he longed after you all, and was full of heaviness, because that ye had heard that he had been sick.  For indeed he was sick nigh unto death: but God had mercy on him; and not on him only, but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.  I sent him therefore the more carefully, that, when ye see him again, ye may rejoice, and that I may be the less sorrowful.  Receive him therefore in the Lord with all gladness; and hold such in reputation: Because for the work of Christ he was nigh unto death, not regarding his life, to supply your lack of service toward me"  (Philippians 2:25-30).

Even Jesus had to depend upon his Father to work through him. "Then answered Jesus and said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise"  (John 5:19).

We can be a believer and still hold on to our own performance, but we become a disciple when we give up everything to follow Jesus.  "So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple"  (Luke 14:33).

It is to be a daily experience of dying to self. "And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me"  (Luke 9:23).

When we come to depend upon Jesus, then we will produce fruit. "I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing"  (John 15:5).

Paul made a statement for all us to receive and by which to live. "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me"  (Galatians 2:20).



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